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Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Hard not to take this personally
want me to check your oil?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that