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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we