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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?