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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Tier 3 meme
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive