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I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
New skill unlocked
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.