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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Frog purse.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it