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Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson