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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.