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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today