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The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!