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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.