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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
translated into Canadian
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours