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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.