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What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Anyone really
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
