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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
This could be us… but you playing
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
there’s music for literally every activity
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.