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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?