You Might Also Like
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”