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“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
whatcha thinkin bout
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms