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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.