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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
bat life
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.