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DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
This is my cat’s medicine.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.