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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Need this in my life lol
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.