You Might Also Like
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
weddings should have a worst man
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.