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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank