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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
ugh not again
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”