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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My recliner and I go way back
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
What even happened today?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.