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The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Cat or sheep
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.