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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
#gardening
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy