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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You are what you delete.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Does beer think about me too?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
🤣could you imagine
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.