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reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
💀😭
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this