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My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.