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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I am yelling
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red