You Might Also Like
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”