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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked