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Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.