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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed