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I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*