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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.