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one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
never deleting this app.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.