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So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.