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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*