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ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I am also baked goods
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.