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I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework