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I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Wednesday
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.