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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell