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At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
