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I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*