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You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
😂🍻
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
perfect
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can