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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
“Worm Regards”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]