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her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Perfect.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I camp so other people don’t have to.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
a lot to unpack here
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Friends that check up on you >
