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I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Bread puns are on the rise!
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.