You Might Also Like
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline