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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
don’t we all
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Well. That’s not a good sign.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that