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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️