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Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
he chose this
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*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg