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In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I need this for my side hustle.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.