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My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD