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Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”