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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?