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My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I’ve had relationships like this
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put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Lmao
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him