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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
#JohnTravolta
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
selfie game
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.