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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Church Pugh’s
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
is this a threat
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Seems kinda suspicious
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.