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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’