You Might Also Like
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
But I really needed water water water
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Bless you
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone