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me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.