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*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
🎵 I can’t wait to