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My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
incredible book dedication
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.