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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”