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paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?