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If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”