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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Stop
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”