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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Every house has this drawer
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?