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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.