You Might Also Like
The pasta is now
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
