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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
✨☝️✨
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.