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Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders